Grief

Years ago, in my Masters program, I studied death and dying - the great work of Elizabeth Kubler Ross and others. But it was a study and not an experience. I understood the words and applied them to earlier experiences with the death of my grandparents, brother, and numerous aunts and uncles and cousins. But even the closeness of those relationships and the lack of connection to my own emotional life made those events ones of trauma or even shock - eventually suppressed into the deeper recesses of my mind. With time and maturity and yes, even a little wisdom, I was much more able to be present in a loving and gentle way during the process of my father's dying two years ago. At times it took every fiber of my being to be present with him in his process rather than going into my own resistance to it.



Now, I am going through that process with my Mother. She was a vibrant 88 year old living alone in Jan. of this year. On Jan. 17th that all changed with a stroke paralyzing her left side and swallow reflex. She was aware and cognitively able to make the decision to put in a feeding tube. That is no longer working and is causing her more pain and suffering. So, the feeding is no longer an option and so her death is imminent - within the next couple of weeks.



Another opportunity to live through the process of being present to my Mother's process of leaving this world for the next experience in her journey. I can tell you that when I think about what her leaving means to me and what it brings up for me, I lose contact with being with her in a loving way. Even through my tears and sadness, if I keep my focus on the fact that "this is her process - not mine" I can be more lovingly present. I understand her process affects me in numerous ways. I know in the days to come I will want to pick up the phone to call her to share something that happened or a story I heard and realize half way through the reaching, I can no longer reach her that way.



I have had experiences where I know that my Dad was with me in spirit. He let me know through different ways - the smell of coffee (his favorite drink) when there wasn't any coffee brewing in the house. I have learned to "listen" for his presence and I know that I will have that same experience with Mom after she has left this physical world.



They have been powerful forces in my life, loving me and guiding me, in all ways. Some more effective than others and it has taken me many years to see that their efforts were always with love and in love even when it did not seem so to me.



I honor them both for all that they were and have been in all the years of my life. They have taught me to be strong when I needed to be and vulnerable when it served me more effectively. My Mother's belief in me - always telling me "You can do anything you put your mind to", supported me in my efforts to be more - as a human being able to be of service in ways I might never have been.